Acting in a sitcom or a comedy movie is like a comedy routine with the setups.

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.

Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.

Water liked to be free. Given time, water could overcome any barrier, and it hated to be trapped, just like Percy.

Honesty requires that we communicate our thoughts and feelings, not our conclusions.

The very precariousness of weather excites a large amount of earnest prayer.

Well, you have the right to make a sacrifice of yourself, but I'll be damned if I'll let you sacrifice me!

I love technology. Matches, to light a fire, is really high tech. The wheel is really one of the great inventions of all time. Other than that, I am an ignoramus about technology.

Silly me, Mr. Butterfingers.

One of the things I'm really good at is procrastinating.

To speak from a particular place and time is not provincialism but part of a writer's identity.

We are similar to a museum. My function is to present old masterpieces in modern frames.