Actually, my plan was to be 20-under par after two days but it didn't work

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.

We keep drifting till we see light. Seldom do we realize that the light was always there!

My blood makes noise. And I’m saying this now, because I have a strange gut feeling that it will be silenced someday soon.

Every library should try to be complete on something, if it were only the history of pinheads.

Anything can be done if you find friends to do it with.

Putin has outsmarted Hillary Clinton and Obama at every single step of the way. Whether it's Syria, you name it. Missiles.

You know more about me than I do about myself, that's probably true.

In no way can words convey the nagual. But they open up the possibility. They allow an admission on the island of the tonal.

To defend his purity, Saint Francis of Assisi rolled in the snow, Saint Benedict threw himself into a thorn bush, and Saint Bernard plunged into an icy pond... You - what have you done?

You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk.

I'm trying to learn how to write faster.