Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I am pleased to be part of Promontory's steady efforts to assist banks and other financial firms in meeting legal and regulatory obligations and challenges.

No judicial system could do society's work if each issue had to be decided afresh in every case which raised it.

A little lie is like a little pregnancy it doesn't take long before everyone knows.

Hillary Clinton wants to be president, but she doesn't have the temperament or - as Bernie Sanders said very strongly - the judgment to be president. She does not have the judgment.

As a child, a person builds up an egoic sense - the child has a name, has an "I," has a mind. But then, to awaken, a person needs to completely transcend that sense of ego.

A scientist ought to have a healthy disregard for coincidences.

Study hard; and you might grow up to be President. But let's face it: Even then, you'll never make as much money as your dog.

It need hardly be said that shortness is a merit in words.

The first thing that you need to deal with is the issue of equity and poverty.

I’m waiting for my princess to come I just have to be patient.