Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.

I know it really sounds cheesy, but I did feel a duty to try to tell the stories of people who couldn't speak for themselves.

I seek advice from my wife, who has been with me for 20 years and knows me better than I even know my own self.

In aptitude tests, I scored highest in music.

The first of all qualities of a general is courage.

I help people own their lives.

The smallest coffins are the heaviest.

I think it's a mistake to say that to be a healthy, well-adjusted person you need a monogamous relationship.

Of course I want to be good, but that may not be to your advantage.

I like a man who can come out and say he's nervous on the first date. I think that would be really cute.