Advice: Don’t wait until someone you have issues with — especially someone you’re related to — gets shot before you work it out.

Good memories are like charms...Each is special. You collect them, one by one, until one day you look back and discover they make a long, colorful bracelet.

Your mind creates your reality. If you expect nothing, you open up the universe to give you options. If you expect the worst, you usually get it.

A friend of mine once defined love as finding someone you can talk to late into the night

Some poeple just don't have what it takes to appreciate a cookie.

Oh great. Yoda captured us.

Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.)

They call me, The Sharkalator

At that moment I had no mind to change, or not change, or throw against the nearest wall.

I don't get a chance to be funny with the thrillers. I like to be funny, and I think I am really funny. So with 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life', it was fun to let loose.

I had to give him props, but how annoying of him to be a hero when I was trying so hard to dislike him. It was downright selfish.

Read about things that wouldn't keep you up all night long, weeping and tearing out your hair.

I love letters from little kids. Adults never proclaim themselves 'your #1 fan!

Love is cursed by monogamy

The volume of your voice does not increase the validity of your argument.

It's hard to be natural in a scene when you pick up the phone and no one is there.

[Remark about Calvin Coolidge she says was erroneously attributed to her:] I do wish he did not look as if he had been weaned on a pickle.

Fiscal discipline begins by leveling with people, by being honest, by paying for all of your proposals.

I have the best wife and six wonderful children. And I'm proud to report that my future will always be bright with the family that I have.

If things don't seem out of control, you're not going fast enough.

New Orleans. Born and raised. I lived there until I was 19.