After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Seeking help is not defeat. It is my power.

No matter what level of success, there is no such thing as a secure writer

Separation is the first cause of inequality.

Actually, it's nature itself that creates the most beautiful pictures, I'm only choosing the perspective.

If you enjoy being at work more than being at home it doesn't mean you are a workaholic, it simply means you are in love with your work and you worship it.

I'm against solutions that are worse than the problem. Like old women who want their hair dyed the color of shoe polish to hide the gray.

I'm a mother, " said her mother, in her foodless flat where the dust did not dare to settle, "and I know what I know.

If you seek to change your life and attain enlightenment, you must deal with these questions. If there is no truth in this, then ignore these silly words.

My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately

A cup of tea is a cup of peace.