After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

The self-actualization process for a man is a conscious choice of a life goal and the way to achieve it

One of the greatest statements you can ever make on earth is to say “I am right, but I may be wrong”. Find out where you go wrong and make corrections!

We are all of us richer than we think we are.

I sometimes think we must be all mad and that we shall wake to sanity in strait-waistcoats.

I only ask of the Government to be treated as all other men are treated. If I cannot go to my own home, let me have a home in a country where my people will not die so fast.

You look like a horse in a man costume

For business, our internet love affair was a gift from the gods.

Infantry must move forward to close with the enemy. It must shoot in order to move.... To halt under fire is folly. To halt under fire and not fire back is suicide. Officers must set the example

A poet's job is to find a name for everything: to be a fearless finder of the names of things.

I did not set out to be a poster child for anything. I saw a mountain. I wanted to climb it.