After all those years of doing a live, hour-and-a-half show every week, I've got nothing more I need to prove.

In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

If you can't stand yourself, neither can anybody else!

The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.

A great NOW will be a great WAS! A bad NOW will always be a bad WAS, and all you can hope for is a Great GONNA BE!

If you have no tragedy, you have no comedy. Crying and laughing are the same emotion. If you laugh too hard, you cry. And vice versa.

Jazz is a beautiful woman whose older brother is a policeman.

People come up to me and they thank me: 'I thank you for the many, many hours of laughter.'

Never feel intimidated by defeat nor death, but rather intimidate life with your dreams.

All great writers share one thing in common:They finished their books.

Katie, honey, you need a date for your sister’s wedding.”“I had a date, Mom. He’s marrying the bride.

The one thing that I keep learning over and over again is that I don't know nothing. I mean, that's my life lesson.

Since last year I've been making the rounds talking to just about anyone who'll listen about this opportunity to re-establish a manufacturing base in the U.S.

I've never progressed very far from my days as a smart aleck in middle school.

As much as I'd like to meet the tooth fairy on an evening walk, I don't really believe it can happen.

There is nothing permanent in the world except change.

It is plain and demonstrable, that much ale is not good for Yankee, and operates differently upon them from what it does upon a Briton; ale must be drank in a fog and a drizzle.

She had waited all her life for something, and it had killed her when it found her.