After my 1985 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

No, no - I think about thinking

I'm not at all stuck up . . . although judging from those around me I have every right to be.

I tell people view the federal government as a source of entertainment. It's a lot easier.

The Jets tried this whole garbage with Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez and it got them nowhere.

Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success.

My father was a deeply sentimental man. And like all sentimental men, he was also very cruel.

Common sense suits itself to the ways of the world. Wisdom tries to confirm to the ways of heaven.

Relish love in your old age! Aged love is like aged wine; it becomes more satisfying, more refreshing, more valuable, more appreciated and more intoxicating!

Friendship is like love at its best; not blind but sympathetically all-seeing; a support which does not wait for understanding; an act of faith which does not need, but always has, reason.

To be great, truly great, you have to be the kind of person who makes the others around you great.