After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

There had to be dark and muddy waters so that the sun could have something to background it's flashing glory.

Dear refuge of my weary soul, On thee, when sorrows rise, On thee, when waves of trouble roll, My fainting hope relies.

You are capable of loving the unlovable. The grace of God gives you the power to love.It also takes conscious effort and decision to choice to love.

Fatal North was being poisoned to death aboard his own vessel and by someone from his hand-picked crew... a cold-blooded, calculating, pre-meditated murder by a diabolical killer.

In very subtle ways, how we regard ourselves and others continually changes us into something new.

Men have feverishly conceived a heaven only to find it insipid, and a hell to find it ridiculous.

if you don't have peace, it isn't because someone took it from you; you gave it away. You cannot always control what happens to you, but you can control what happens in you.

In the early '80s, I was blown away when I began to hear some of the earliest hip-hop songs, and I'm fascinated by all the permutations the genre has gone through.

What is it about meter and cadence and rhythm that makes their makers mad?

For me, George Saunders novel [Lincoln in the Bardo] is about a problem of pain.