After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter.

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds.

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.

He never sleeps, the judge. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die.

Stay Alive in Your Own Life

I have been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I have never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.

Sometimes people did this, closed their eyes for a few seconds and imagined it gave them insights into what it was like to be her. Only, at the end, they could still open their eyes and see.

When you choose to overcome something that could paralyze people, you have the choice to either let that happen or use that as a stepping-stone to something new and different in the future.

I might as well doubt of my own being, as of the being of those things I actually see and feel.

the real evidence of growing older is that things level off in importance ... Days are no longer jagged peaks to climb; time is a meadow, and we move over it with level steps.

Our whole message is it's easy to just keep preaching to the church and people that already come.

I am very amazed by the runners out there because I like jog to the garbage can outside sometimes, and I get tired.

Adversity shows whether we have friends, or only the shadows of friends.