After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

Where there's a will there's a dead person.

Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.

I like life. It's something to do.

The devil is a bad devil.

Work, apart from devotion or love of God, is helpless and cannot stand alone.

Long before being nerdy was cool, there was Leonard Nimoy.

There's a great place to go when you're broke--to work!

I wasn't allowed to do commercials. I wasn't allowed to do TV series. I wasn't allowed to do soaps or basically anything that would mean I missed too much school.

When I started I knew it was a matter of when, not if, I would get fired. That's because that was just the past history of the previous coaches that had been there.

I don't really look around and say, 'I've made it.' I just look around and think how fortunate I am to work with the people I'm working with.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Democracy is a series of choices.

Men are idolaters, and want something to look at and kiss and hug, or throw themselves down before; they always did, they always will; and if you don't make it of wood, you must make it of words.