After twenty plus years of performing hundreds of shows a year, I prefer to try things out on stage rather than for friends. I don't see the benefit in that, really.

I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.

You'll get them tomorrow. You gave it a good shot. Keep your chin up.

The more you perform, the more adept you get at the nuances of navigating that communal conversation.

I belong to a gym now... well, let me rephrase that: I don't belong there at all, but I go.

The blues is a hopeful music. It helps you process something rather than avoid it. It's like mourning, in essence.

I think there comes a time in any comedian's career where they can either coast or keep growing and evolving.

Comedy takes all of life and puts it through a lens of acceptance, just by the mere act of talking about it on stage in a communal setting. It's very primal and ritualistic in that sense.

Inherent in mourning is celebration. Mourning without celebration or some form of acceptance leaves you stuck.

Comedians act every night on stage, so they have great performing chops. They especially know how to play themselves, which is how we set 'Teachers Lounge' up.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

I'm never going to go to Mars, but I've helped inspire, thank goodness, the people who built the rockets and sent our photographic equipment off to Mars.

Intellectuals ... regard over-simplification as the original sin of the mind and have no use for the slogans, the unqualified assertions and sweeping generalizations.

I try to be as quiet as I can at the plate, but still aggressive.

When we pray in the name of Jesus, we carry the authority of heaven.

I'm a freaking princess when it comes to other people's feelings. Yo dogbreath, get your paws of the everglades. -Max

No man becomes bad all at once.

I hope one day I can come into a training camp and not say someone is out for the season.

Unquestionably we do stand by our national flag as stoutly as any people in the world; and I myself have felt the heart-throb at sight of it, as sensibly as other men.

Tin soldiers and Nixon coming, We're finally on our own. This summer I hear the drumming, Four dead in Ohio.