After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The truth is God created us to have relationship with us. He wants to love us and take care of us, and He wants us to love Him. That's where our walk with Christ has to start.

When you live in New York, one of two things happen - you either become a New Yorker, or you feel more like the place you came from.

One of the signs (you) displayed (said): QUESTION AUTHORITY. Comments or slogans of this nature cannot and will not be condoned.

The Superior Man has nothing to compete for. But if he must compete, he does it in an archery match, wherein he ascends to his position, bowing in deference. Descending, he drinks the ritual cup.

At thirty, man suspects himself a fool; Knows it at forty, and reforms his plan.

Let his name be cleared and everyone else adjust their thinking. He had put in time, now they must do the work. His business was simple. Find Cecilia and love her, marry her and live without shame.

Tried to find me an executive position, but no matter how smooth I talked they wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius.

Uh, I thought DVDs werne't allowed at my sleepovers. They're not. Then why am i watching the Lady and the Tramp?

All really nice girls wonder when men don't try to kiss them. They know they shouldn't want them to and they know they must act insulted if they do, but just the same, they wish the men would try.

The fans have been great with me. I think they appreciate that I don't take an at-bat off.