Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any more than black people were made for white, or women created for men.

Maman’s life was an unfinished book. Celeste had to discover the ending, and then she could close the cover for ever.

In the end, no matter how much you love your work, your work will not love you back.

You are part of our Great British family.

When you're listening to my album, I want you to know that things happen and eventually you get over it

Lawdy Mama, those Friday nights when Suzy wore her dresses down tight.

People lived in the same apartments for years. You'd meet a group of kids in kindergarten, and you'd still be with them in high school. No one ever left the neighborhood.

When I said I was born a feminist, I was born thinking woman are equal to men, if not stronger than men. That's the way I always was.

What was this big sound bite, though, at the time? It was, "Will Donald Trump and his supporters accept the election results." He won.