Ah, bless you, Sister, may all your sons be bishops.

New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat.

The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody to love you.

It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody.

I have never seen a situation so dismal that a policeman couldn't make it worse.

They took away our land, our language, and our religion; but they could never harness our tongues.

The terrorist is the one with the small bomb.

I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not.

I was court-martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis.

The only thing I envy in young people is their livers.

Vision is the end of religion.

How long y' think it'll take t'git that wild streak out im?""Well, Brother Tiggins, that'll depend on how long he can weather the leather.

Were all mad here

It is by giving the freedom to the other, that is by letting go, we gain our own freedom back.

I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.

I think of dieting, then I eat pizza.

I basically have a very positive philosophy of life, because I don't feel I have anything to lose. Most things are going to turn out okay.

Elvis and I call up Cadillac dealerships all night long, suckin' down Ny Quil stingers and cheese. He says, what the hell's Lisa Marie thinking with that Michael Jackson crap?

There never seems to be any trouble brewing around a bar until a woman puts that high heel over the brass rail. Don't ask me why, but somehow women at bars seem to create trouble among men.

Americans being upright and forthright and honest and true to themselves is a very hard concept.