Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.

And the only thing to do with a sin is to confess, do penance and then, after some kind of decent interval, ask for forgiveness.

Those who excel in virtue have the best right of all to rebel, but then they are of all men the least inclined to do so.

I'm a terrible Christian and meditating is very hard for me, and I do it. I do it badly, like I do a lot of things. I believe in doing things badly.

'Groundhog Day' was one of the greatest scripts ever written. It didn't even get nominated for an Academy Award.

We are tyrannized by our options.

I could never have gone to Africa another way and had the same experience. It was my job and my joy at the same time.

Never ever depend on governments or institutions to solve any major problems. All social change comes from the passion of individuals.

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.

Experience is truly the only thing that makes experts so expert.