Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

... I wrote about ... my childhood, when dreams were small and attainable for all. When sweets were a penny and god was a rabbit.

Sometimes when you're on tour, it feels like you're living the same day over and over again.

I'm being driven crazy by people who are obsessed with limiting the scope of government, but feel perfectly free to demand that government get involved in women's most personal choices.

Faith gives the assurance that our lives and our history have a moral design.

India will not be a helpless partner in her own exploitation and foreign domination.

You are beautiful just the way you are.

People may say 'What can I do? I'm only one person.' But we've proven that when we come together demonstrate, and speak our piece, there is no way the power structure can avoid being attentive.

I should be concentrating on writing pages.

It's still possible to be a cockeyed optimist these days - you just have to be a little more cockeyed.

It's a good giggle to look back at yourself in your 20s. You thought you were so fierce and fabulous, and it's just embarrassing.