Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

What was my path to success? Well, there were some steps forward, some back, some to the side... maybe it wasn't a path, but more of a dance.

They seemed no closer to the tops of the peaks that rose before them. It was only by looking back, to the forest far below, that she knew they'd climbed.

We must respect the past, and mistrust the present, if we wish to provide for the safety of the future.

My vegetable love should grow Vaster than empires, and more slow.

A witch is a person who hath conference with the Devil to consult with him or to do some act.

Make peace with guilt. Guilt is a poisonous illusion. Many languages don't even have a word for guilt.

One of the things I find very little of in America - and certainly not on Broadway - are plays with political attitudes.

He died alone because he was too embarrassed to phone anyone.

The reason I so rarely break promises to other people? It breaks trust. Without trust, there's no relationship.

Features alone do not run in the blood; vices and virtues, genius and folly, are transmitted through the same sure but unseen channel.