Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life

We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat and I built a boat.

A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know

I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world.

I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!

I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work

Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

It would be one hell of an addition to someone's scrapbook. (Dark City Lights)

Nothing shatters the relationship between you and your boss like you failing to meet expectations, deadlines, and goals.

And unless you think there is a serious chance you're going to jail, don't listen to your lawyer.

The thing for me though, is that songs are good depending on the memories I have with them.

You can’t step up to the next level as long as you keep one foot on the lower level.

If I were white, I'd get less criticism.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

The more you look, the more you will see.

I approached the bulk of my schoolwork as a chore rather than an intellectual adventure.

If someone comes in and says, "What are you doing," if I'm honest, the answer is, "I don't know. But I'm doing THIS, don't know why."