Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

At the end of the life you have to live your day alone and vice-versa.

One should not have to live in the dark.

The name of this book is mysterious.

I'd rather be ignored as a frog than eaten as a human.

My word will never be as strong as God's word. All I am is just a vessel, doing His work.

Unrest is the mark of existence.

You measure a person by what it takes to discourage them.

Chickens have an uncanny sense of direction.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

The priority of leadership is what the lobbyists and giant corporations and special interests in Washington want. It's why we're bankrupting our kids and grandkids.