All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

Bluegrass has brought more people together and made more friends than any music in the world. You meet people at festivals and renew acquaintances year after year.

I feel like I'm too busy writing history to read it.

We human beings have a remarkable way of growing accustomed to things.

Every Democrat on Capitol Hill professes to be a fiscal hawk.

My wealth is measured not in money but in photographs, not in quantity but creativity.

Bleeding isn't optional for most of us.

If you want to finish, sometimes you can't just finish. You gotta finish fast!

Beloved, we are God's children now; it does not yet appear what we shall be, but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.

Anyone can make anyone else look bad if they really want to pull things apart enough.

Believe it or not, there are people who want to be on juries.