All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

A traditional fixture at Wimbledon is the way the BBC TV commentary box fills up with British players eliminated in the early rounds.

They never will love where they ought to love, who do not hate where they ought to hate.

I left the theater; I literally left to begin a new life.

I always figured I myself would never be lucky enough to die, I'd just live on and on in this increasingly dreary spiral.

To insist on living until we die may be one of life's greatest virtues.

It is a good thing to make mistakes so long as you're found out quickly.

Everything is the way it is because everything was the way it was

It would be so good to settle down and become part of somewhere again, instead of constantly passing through

Punishing honest mistakes stifles creativity. I want people moving and shaking the earth and they're going to make mistakes.

Marriage. Don't be pressured into it. Is the fear of loneliness really greater than the fear of bondage?