All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.

Earth is the play ground of our children and their children. We cannot allow it to be the play ground of the nuclear arms of the evil forces.

I will find comfort in the rhythm of the sea.

You do stand alone sometimes. But my mother stood by me through all this.

I'm an amateur photographer, apart from being a professional one, and I think maybe my amateur pictures are the better ones.

A color stands abroad on solitary hills that silence cannot overtake, but human nature feels.

If the East Timorians decide to revolt, Im sure Ill have a statement.

I never expected the White House to be warm, and the artwork on the walls was extraordinary. I am a fan of the Louvre, but being there it was almost just as good.

Best I can do for them is to give them every piece of information I can find and let them make the judgments. That's just my basic view of my function as a journalist.

I'd like to harness their youthful energy with a strap.