All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.

My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

I don't consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.

I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it.

I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?

If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.

I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.

If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.

What a brilliant cover story. In a success-obsessed society like this one, what's the best rock to hide something under? It's the rock called failure.

Memories are what we cherish so lets make the present worth cherishing.

Remember, a person's character is not only judged by the company he or she keeps but also by the company he or she avoids.

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

I have never yet failed to get a hearing (with a Hindu) if I talk to them about forgiveness of sins and peace and rest in your heart.

You lead me and keep me from falling. You carry me close to Your heart. And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me.

I have seen the dark universe yawning Where the black planets roll without aim, Where they roll in their horror unheeded, Without knowledge, or lustre, or name.

Television can take anything. It can take the most exaggerated of storytelling forms.

In my view, stability only comes with a government that is elected by the people and works for the people.

I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it.