All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

She felt that her speech was voicing the incoherency her thoughts, and stopped abruptly.

Listening to evangelicals bridges major political fault line.

I think there is a metaphysical problem of the relation between mind and body. Thinking that there is no metaphysical dimension to the problem is an error.

I can't stand the kind of paralysis that some people fall into because they're not happy with the choices they've made.

National events determine our ideals, as much as our ideals determine national events.

You might be a redneck if you have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

The other thing in composition is opening up the unconscious.

Daily experience proves clearly to everybody but the most bigoted fanatics of socialism that governmental management is inefficient and wasteful.

Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament has His hands full of graces, and He is ready to bestow them on anyone who asks for them

Nothing that's good works by itself, you've got to make the damn thing work.