All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn't have time to sleep.

Any teacher that can be replaced by a computer should be replaced by a computer.

Pain has no effect but to steal some of my time.

Small faults and virtues are for daily life. The big ones are for emergencies.

Fifty years ago, the spoken word reigned, but during the last fifty years, the power has gone over to pictures.

No amount of activity in the King's service will make up for neglect of the King Himself.

Gotta watch out for directors.

The Chinese are generally speaking much more reluctant than Westerners to killing as a means to the rescue of lives.

We live in a time of record breaking crisis but it's also a time of record breaking vision

But what is to be the fate of the great wen of all? The monster, called, by the silly coxcombs of the press, "the metropolis of the empire"?