All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Do you think I'm pretty?I think you're beautifulBeautiful?You are so beautiful, it hurts sometimes.

Spirituality believes in oneness and universal consciousness.

For now, let us simply observe that the assault on human dignity is one of the prime goals of the visitation of fear, a prelude to the domination of the mind and the triumph of power

To change a habit, make a conscious decision, then act out the new behavior.

The Land of Opportunity is an attitude.

Some of the most unhappy artists in the most difficult situations can create awe-inspiring works of art.

I sigh inside, so exhausted by these ugly questions, but when did a monster ever deserve its privacy?

Emblem: the carapace of the great crowned snail is painted with all the flags of the United Nations.

I found, especially with stand-up, that if a premise works, you can make the joke work. If a premise doesn't work, you can't force it to.

... it is nearly impossible to understand those who are beyond our sight, who are not explained to us by ties of birth or the contact of the flesh.