All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.

You can achieve great things when depend more on God.

Really the only person that can let you down is yourself.

I don't think young people need to see the face of the deceased.

My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess.

How do you know that I'm out of control? Maybe I'm just awkward.

The baby romped on my lap like a short stout salmon.

I hate to lose but having the belt doesn't define who I am. It's how I live my life and what I put into things is what defines me.

Life would split apart without letters.

Sexually awakened women, affirmed and recognized as such, would mean the complete collapse of the authoritarian ideology