All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.

He who works with his hands is a laborer.He who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman.He who works with his hands and his head and his heart is an artist.

If one is destined to go wrong, he will not believe the truth but will believe something else altogether.

The distance between you and everyone is love.

Unshined shoes are the end of civilization.

Hello God, if we are still on speaking terms, can you help me?

Know the difference between Giant and Jumbo? Between two-ounce and a big two-ounce? Between a quart and a full quart? What's a tall 24-inch? What does Extra Long mean? Who's kidding who?

A master salesman is one who takes the offensive and never the defensive sale of an argument, if argument arises.

My idea of man's chief end was to enrich the world with things of beauty, and have a fairly good time myself while doing so.

Every year I try to pitch a show, and I try to do something outside of YouTube, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

I dream a dream that dreams back at me.