All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Of what use is a philosopher who doesn't hurt anybody's feelings?

If you're at the end of your rope . . . untie the knot in your heart.

Any place you compromise in principle you will execute in performance.

Defiance rose up like vomit. I swung back and yelled, "Don't ever do that again!

You write to be read. That is the bottom line.

Nothing is achieved without solitude.

Inertia is a powerful force in human and political affairs.

When Love gives, it gives all; when it takes, it takes all. It's very taking is giving.

I used to have a great love for Dostoyevsky and Tolstoy, the big boys of the last century.

Today we can be sure we are heading into the right direction. We managed to put the round back on track, after a long hibernation. But we are not there yet.