All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Be inspired but not proud.

Meditation and mindfulness are tools for working with the mind, but where they have led me is to a blossoming of the heart...

Careful with what you know and what you experience. Sometimes, closed mouth with memories is better than opened mouth with stories.

Dear Governor Whitman, … Our father is not a simple criminal. … He was harassed by more ideas than his mind could stand. …

It is very wrong to sleep in your make-up, but when you wake up the next morning, I think it looks very good.

It is nevertheless a game of considerable passion, either of the explosive type, or that which burns inwardly and sears the soul.

The emotions I feel are no more meant to be shown in their unadulterated state than the inner organs by which we live.

The whole of nature is an endless demonstration of shape and form. It always surprises me when artists try to escape from this.

In man's life, time is but a moment; being, a flux; sense is dim; the material frame corruptible; soul, an eddy of breath; fortune a thing inscrutable, and fame precarious.

I think the Americans are ready to play, they want to beat us. I think that players like Chris Chelios and his leadership over there goes a long way.