All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I'm glad I'm not good compared to God, because if I was, He wouldn't be much of a god.

There is no art which government sooner learns of another than that of draining money from the pockets of the people.

Take me, subtract movies, and you get zero.

It is from the midst of this putrid sewer that the greatest river of human industry springs up and carries fertility to the whole world. From this foul drain pure gold flows forth.

Love sets fire to your schedule, And then calls an end to time.

An individual human existence should be like a river

I assumed everything bad in the world could happen, because everything bad in the world already did happen.

Perhaps teachers must be good actors where lessons are concerned, but in life outside the class, we mustn't hide from our pupils our individual spirits.

It's hard to imagine that our love is a story with an end. But you know, at least I'm getting some really good songs out of it

Unbelief, in distinction from disbelief, is a confession of ignorance where honest inquiry might easily find the truth. - "Agnostic" is but the Greek for "ignoramus."