All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

The best part of the fiction in many novels is the notice that the characters are imaginary.

Personal Responsibility is when a person refuses to run away from challenges and difficulties, when he refuses to blame others, when he decides to rise to the occasion.

Everyone has a weakness. Even a demigod.

I want to fall in love, with an emphasis on the falling part.

The truest expression of a people is in its dances and its music. Bodies never lie.

O starry night, This is how I want to die

Economy is a way of spending money without getting any pleasure out of it.

In my marriages, I'd lost parts of who I was because I was trying to mold myself into what I thought a man wanted me to be.

The American public is somewhat ambivalent about what they expect out of thenational forest.

Paint like a fiend when the idea possesses you.