All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.

My parents only had one argument in 45 years. It lasted 43 years.

I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, Did you know it's time for your annual check-up? No, but now my mailman does.

Marriage is very difficult. Marriage is like a five-thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, all sky.

Makeup is such a weird concept. I'll wake up in the morning and look in the mirror. 'Gee, I really don't look so good. Maybe if my eyelids were blue, I'd be more attractive.

Jews can't serve on juries because they insist they're guilty.

I think racism is a terrible thing. I think we should all learn to hate each other on a individual basis.

I don't have any kids. Well, at least none I know about.

Marriage is like a 5,000- piece jigsaw of the sky.

Plato worried that philosophical writing would take the place of living conversations for which, in philosophy, there is no substitute.

The accomplice to the crime of corruption is frequently our own indifference.

Enthusiasm is the mother of effort, and without it nothing great was ever achieved.

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.

We need to eradicate the slander that says a black youth with a book is acting white.

To live a life you love, you must Love the life you live.

Fat is where comedy is stored.

I think that the minute that you have a backup plan, you've admitted that you're not going to succeed.

I fell so many times and got back up. I been through the toughest times with my family, but I’m still standing.

Enough of this foreign fiasco distraction. Get back to work. It is time to bomb Obamacare.