All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

We can never be gods, after all--but we can become something less than human with frightening ease.

Every obstacle should be seen as a part of the process of gaining mental strength and wisdom for bigger and better things in life.

We are fighting now to save that endangered species-the individual.

Oh, blindness to the future! kindly giv'n, That each may fill the circle mark'd by heaven.

Not only should you not accept a prize. You should not try to deserve one either.

Man differs more from man than man from beast

Jack Benny, Fred Allen. Their jokes were wonderful. It takes skill to be funny. The timing of Jack Benny was so fine. It is a form of genius for which we should be grateful.

False modesty is the most decent of all lies.

Why must you always try to be omnipotent, and shove things about? Tragic things happen sometimes that we just have to submit to.

I love Louisiana fried fish, but it's all Martin Luther King, I can't go over there.