All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.

Whether we like it or not, one day science will take God from us! This will be especially a great destruction for the weak minds!

They make the greatest show of what they have done, who have done least.

If Jesus can live in you and you are no different than the world around you, something got short circuited because Jesus makes a difference.

National isolation breeds national neurosis.

That to me is happiness when I feel like I am loved and I have a place to love deeply. That to me is happiness.

Life creates conditions conducive to life.

The mind's direction is more important than its progress.

The line between greatness and obscurity is very, very small.

It's a very stressful thing, directing a movie. You have the budget, you have the schedule, you are in certain confines, and you have everybody giving you advice about what to do.