Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

The hardest thing is to do something which is close to nothing because it is demanding all of you.

Luck is not as random as you think.Before that lottery ticket won the jackpot, someone had to buy it.

Every work of art is the child of its age and, in many cases, the mother of our emotions. It follows that each period of culture produces an art of its own which can never be repeated.

The heart errs like the head; its errors are not any the less fatal, and we have more trouble getting free of them because of their sweetness.

I made baseball as much fun as doing your taxes!

Hey, you created me! I didn't create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility!

Imam Hussain's sacrifice is for all groups and communities, an example of the path of rightousness.

Some things may work, but they definitely won't work every time. Some things may work at various times.

As they say of the blind, Sounds are the things I see.