Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

We cannot afford to let the ideas of our young generation go untapped or unbacked.

One should be religious in everything, have God, whatever God might be, present in everything.

The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.

You can get stuck in one state of mind or a general area of mind for a thousand lifetimes. Some states of mind afford better views than others.

His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And, although, she's... wait... your mom's still... your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul.

You're wearing at least four different kinds of sweater." "This is a scarf." "You look tarred and sweatered.

You talk one way, you live another.

We are all descended from monsters.

Grace comes into the soul as the morning sun into the world: there is first a dawning, then a mean light, and at last the sun in his excellent brightness.

I think people would want to see Tracy Morgan host Saturday Night Live.