Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I'm no optimist", she said as she opened the cabinet door. " I'm just a realist who smiles too much.

We all operate on different levels of awareness. Half the time I don't know what I'm doing.

Olivia responded with confidence, “You’re the military. You’re in charge. Why would I be scared?

A good example is far better than a good precept.

We have a legal system, and we have a penal code. We have the death penalty in Saudi Arabia, and people should respect this.

My child was one of Nature's Tories pitted against a mother who was one of nurture's Lefties: it was no contest.

I was really active as a kid. I was outdoors constantly.

Know that what you do in the time of your greatest trial can be your greatest triumph

I'm a little less naive when it comes to relationships.

Just as oil is present in every part of the olive, so love permeates every part of creation.