Always warm up the audience with a joke....If you are not a particularly funny person, make sure that you inform them that it's a joke.

Catholic extremism should be resisted as fiercely at home as we oppose the Taliban abroad.

If God wanted teenagers to be abstinent, puberty would begin at twenty.

Life is nasty, brutish, and short. Death is easy.

Nothing sells tombstones like a Girl Scout in uniform.

Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.

If you give a man a hammer, he thinks he can solve all problems by pounding. Well, God gave men penises.

The boss is never your friend, even if you're sleeping with him.

Never make enemies of anyone younger or healthier than you are. They write your history.

Be optimistic. Always put on clean underwear if you're going on a date.

Even a poor tour guide is entitled to some happiness.

Before I begin, may I ask how old you are?""You may ask.""How old are you?""It's none of your business

Time is a game played beautifully by children.

In the marketplace of ideas, a dime is expensive than the cost price of beauty

Violence is not only impractical but immoral.

Waking up, for many people, is apparently a positive experience. There are twittering birds and the smell of fresh coffee fills the air.These people do not live at my house.

We still spend more time chasing funds than we do in the studio in creative work.

God and God alone deserves all the credit for the good that takes place in our lives.

I'm heavily influenced by Edward Ardizzone, how he has people talking in little speech bubbles. I love those. And also Edward Gorey. Those are two of my favorite people.

If the mind loves solitude, it has thereby acquired a loftier character, and it becomes still more noble when the taste is indulged in.

It's a great lesson in modesty that you realize you're illiterate in a field that you think you're an expert in.