America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

That is the curse of lying, Sister. Once you place that crown of the liar upon your head, you can take it off again, but it leaves a stain for all time.

Only I have no luck any more. But who knows? Maybe today. Every day is a new day. It is better to be lucky. But I would rather be exact. Then when luck comes you are ready.

Our God is known for His compassion for the needy; let us be known for it as well.

There's action only if there is danger.

I think the role of the Federal Reserve is enormously exaggerated.

Even rock stars are entitled to privacy.

Goat screaming videos are hilarious.

I've always been an independent person, but that independence was in the setting of security

Desire disappears as you become more and more aware. When awareness is one hundred percent, there is no desire at all.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"