America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

Losing your job gives you the opportunity to make your life count

Those who find it hypocritical of others to use, say, a smartphone, to speak ill of capitalism, needs to be reminded that capitalism is an ideology, not a technology.

All the bad in my life led me to her, which makes me think that I can live with the past if she is my future. —HEW

In the television age, the key distinction is between the candidate who can speak poetry and the one who can only speak prose.

If you need to pursue your interests, do not expect anyone else to do it for you.

When we refused to be forced out of Berlin, we demonstrated to the people of Europe that with their cooperation we would act, and act resolutely, when their freedom was threatened.

I am confident that when I get really old, the human lifespan will be extended.

I still play hockey every now and then, and I still golf. But my biggest exercise is walking my big dog in the park every day.

People crave a conspiracy for the same reason they crave a god.

A world in which elves exist and magic works offers greater opportunities to digress and explore.