America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

Advocates of capitalism like to appeal to the sacred principles of liberty, which are embodied in one maxim: The fortunate must not be restrained in the exercise of tyranny over the unfortunate.

We are now after 7 months operation making money here.

The important things are children, honesty, integrity and faith.

I have an I.Q. of 100 plus a little bit. I have to work real hard to get things when I read.

Girls are not accustomed to jockeying for status in an obvious way; they are more concerned that they be liked.

The mind of man has no defense To equal plain, old common sense. This homely virtue don't despise, If you would be happy as well as wise.

Water is at the center of every chemical reaction, and therefore should be the earths most precious gift.

It takes time to get the whole package. Freshmen can't be seniors.

Pray steal me not, I'm Mrs. Dingley's, Whose heart in this four-footed thing lies.

You need your strength and you need as much support from family, friends, and loved ones as you can get.