America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

I noticed that the snow was gone and the ground looked greener. It’s funny how the good stuff can wipe away the bad stuff so quickly.

It's very useful when politicians have doubts because there are so many choices to be made in the world.

if one's natural feelings are suppressed long enough one develops supernatural feelings and feels surer of having a soul.

Fishing's relaxing, man. Most relaxing thing in my life. It's therapy for me. I don't think about business... sports. All I think about is catching the next fish.

Most of us forget the basics and wonder why the specifics don't work.

15 concubines ain't nothin' to sneeze at.

I understand why a lot of women want to dress hipster. But I grew up sneaking my mom's Victoria's Secrets...so I could look at the hot chicks!

I longed to arrest all beauty that came before me, and at length the longing has been satisfied.

If you continue to think the way you have always thought, you'll continue to get what you've always got. Is it enough?

Without a rich heart, wealth is an ugly beggar.