America should treasure its rare, true original voices and Mark Leyner is one of them. So treasure him already, you bastards!

Reading is entering into the consciousness of another human being.

The love I felt for her on that train ride had a capital and provinces, parishes and a Vatican, an orange planet and many sullen moons -- it was systemic and it was complete.

If you stop thinking, if you stop wondering, you die.

The fading light is us, and we are, for a moment so brief (...) beautiful.

Good fiction makes me turn off all the other parts of my brain, so that I become quiet and submissive, entirely at the mercy of the work at hand.

She took my hand and pulled me after her, her shoulders giving off a sweet peppermint concoction that the bodies of young women sometimes produce to make my life more difficult.

If my mother hadn't tried to sell me chicken Kiev cutlets for $1.40 after I graduated from college, maybe I would've been the lawyer she wanted me to be.

You are not what you want. You are what wants you back.

Forget the fountain of youth, pal of mine. You can live to be a thousand, and it won't matter. Mediocrities like you deserve immortality.

If you read only one memoir by a disaffected, urban, 20-something Jewish girl this year, make it this one. Shukert rocks the lulav.

I open my heart to her and lay it on the table.

Your tone of voice can be conveyed in both the words you speak and in the words you write.

The good thing about being Dr. Frankenstein is that you can always make new friends.

Even though I do a more traditional type of being funny on television, I still know a lot of comedians and stand-ups and improv actors.

All the proffered evidence that America was attacked by Muslims on 9/11, when subjected to critical scrutiny, appears to have been fabricated.

A slave in the fields one night He's running along Gets far enough to be a free man And he's feeling so strong

Having a pulmonary embolism is definitely easier than heart break.

It is a terrible thing for an old woman to outlive her dogs.

I think, by and large, the level of acting is mediocre. When I go to the theatre, I get so angry. I don't go.

Age indomitably, in the European manner. Do not finish your labours young. Be a planet, not a meteor. Honor the working day. Sit at your desk.