America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

But my faith seems naive, at least today. Maybe tomorrow I can believe again.

God always brings someone into your life that has traveled the same path and knows the rocks you climbed to get to the end of the trail.

An amazing thing happens when you stop seeking approval and validation: You find it. People are naturally drawn like magnets to those who know who they are and cannot be shaken!

The sun, the moon and the stars would have disappeared long ago... had they happened to be within the reach of predatory human hands.

I've found the secret of happiness, total disregard of everybody.

Let's hold hands and brave this beautiful, crazy life together with a sweet smile and a calm breath.

Life is but a series of memories you make.

Women can always be caught; that's the first rule of the game.

I have never liked Morrissey, and I still don't. I think it's hilarious, actually, what things I've heard about him, what he's really like, and his public persona is so different. He's such an actor.

I think the University of Texas has the chance to become the finest public university in the country.