American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.

He would never admit it, but he did have a heart of gold under all that crud.Solid, hard, impenetrable gold, but still gold, nonetheless.

For seldom shall she hear a tale So sad so tender yet so true.

I cannot drive very well. I drive slow and very safe. I don't know cars that well.

On tour, you never have a home, you don't get used to anything, and you're always super busy.

The orthodox Jewish faith practically excludes woman from religious life.

Problems are evolutionary drivers.

A single woman, of good fortune, is always respectable, and may be as sensible and pleasant as any body else.

Reinvent your business constantly. The end goal may be the same, but the tools and methods are constantly evolving.

I want to regain my First Amendment rights.