Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Everything is the way it is because we've all agreed that's the way it is.

No matter what age you are or what your circumstances might be you are special and you still have something unique to offer. Your life because of who you are has meaning.

Let's be honest about this; the liberal agenda with failed stimulus plans and government entitlement programs is crippling our economy and our quality of life.

Winning is everything. The only ones who remember you when you come second are your wife and your dog.

If China wants to be a constructive, active player in the world economy, it's got to respect intellectual property rights or it makes it pretty impossible to do business with them.

You're thinking of Europe as Germany and France. I don't. I think that's old Europe.

Happiness has many roots, but none more important than security.

These days the temptation to use steroids in sports has become too great for many young athletes.

The Buddha takes no position on gods, he suggests they may exist or they may not, but either way you can live a moral life.