Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

When things go wrong, don't go with them.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

Acting can be pretty challenging. I can't say making a romantic comedy is challenging, but to do anything well, you have to put yourself into it.

I still love hockey. It's just I'm at a different stage of my life and I think I'm just ready to grow in other ways outside of just being a hockey player.

There is a great deal of hard lying in the world; especially among people whose characters are above suspicion.

It's a nice way to put the focus back on this simple act... if someone creates you.

All of life is a dispute over taste and tasting.

I have no plans to slow down.

I vote for whoever will annoy my dad.

In the last analysis the entire field of psychology may reduce to biological electrochemistry.